Inspired

"Inspired" sounds so cliche, but I can think of nothing better. A few much-needed visits and several-hour long conversations with a creative and encouraging friend, paired with some encounters with beautiful things, have given me some momentum for reflection and action. I sometimes forget that for every beautiful thing I've ever created, a ridiculous number of horrible, embarrassing ones have preceded it. I forget that the muse that sits on one's shoulder and magically gives creative inspiration exists only as a drop of water in a sea of hard work and practice. Intentionally searching for beautiful or inspiring things and people, and participating in the practice and discipline of creating - whether they are beautiful or inspiring or not - are what I need for this journey (ugh, how many cliches can I put in this thing?).

Newly accomplished: Sketching daily, while my young daughter has her dinner, and a small addition to the children's book my husband and I are attempting to write just for our daughter (hopefully before she is too old to disregard her dear old parents).

Twiddling My Thumbs

So it seems that the creativity and identity I was supposed to be finding are eluding me. Or perhaps I am ignoring them. Either way, aside from looking through old sketchbooks, finding a blank, new one (still untouched), and telling a friend about a project I was supposedly working on (I'm not), I have nada. Maybe on the weekend?

This Blog Thing...Part 2

I am not a hoyden. Not anymore, at least. I used to be. And then I wasn't. And then I was. And now...well, you get the picture.

How easily a young girl of 5 with bravado turns into a self-conscious and reluctant child and adolescent, and how strange that a bold, creative, and assertive young woman could be a previous version of the current deliberate, serious, and worrisome creature who takes on the cares of the world and family, but not much of anything else.

It might not sound like it, but I have a great life. I love my spouse, my child, my dog, and have been successful in my career. I love where I live and love that I'm doing things I never thought I would or could. But I do feel like I'm missing something - this one piece that used to be. Or maybe it's more than a single piece - many facets of something greater? It is a thing that lets me "see," really see beyond what is on the surface, see and hear and feel something that is bigger and more important than what is in front of me, see and understand the essence of a thing. I sound like I used to be a sorcerer or seer of some kind. Hardly, but whatever it is or was, all I know is that it's not here anymore. I don't "see" anymore. That seeing faded as the art and music in my life faded, when deep connection to other people faded. Sometimes I wonder if I can see or say anything at all anymore.

...

So I have definitely been known to give plenty of verbal tirades about things of consequence and things ridiculous, but have rarely written them down. I used to be good at writing - I once had a professor tell me that one of my "random" essays was so good that I should try to get it published, but I haven't really written anything for over a year, and even then they were only academic papers for school. I think I used to be good at a lot of things, but time and career and schedules and busyness and life itself seem to have gotten in the way.

So this blog is one part of an attempt to find a lost part of myself. It's definitely more for me than anyone else. I haven't even told anyone I'm starting a blog. How embarrassing to say I just now started a ranting-and-raving blog to "find myself" - now, in 2011. Just for me. But if you happen to find this, great. I hope I will not bore you too much.

I am hoping to find that creative hoyden that was lost and found, lost again. Here's hoping *raises glass* to "see" again.

This Blog Thing...

So apparently I think it's 1996 and time to start a blog.

I have things to say, that are mostly not worth much, but important enough for me to get off my chest, important enough to write down somewhere, and important enough to require some kind of structure, in the form of a place to write. And of course since it's not actually 1996, and I use my computer/smart phone for everything, I can't write anything longer than a paragraph using a pen/pencil anymore without having some kind of hand cramp and a follow-up whining session. Thus, blog.

Random thoughts? Yes, definitely. Tirades? Probably. Something interesting? Possibly. Me seeing something worthwhile on the journey? Hopefully.

So...here I go...

Hoyden

hoyden - a wild, boisterous, carefree girl